You have heard us talk a lot about our son’s accident over the past four months. Sometimes it may seem like we dwell on it, but it is hard to “move past” something so monumental in your life. Everything about our world changed that day – in a blink of an eye, our entire existence was different. Our life officially became measured by “before the accident” and “after the accident”. Sometimes I still sit in silence wishing this were all a horrible dream. Wishing that somehow, I could rewind time, not let Nash leave our house that day, know what was ahead of us and keep it from happening. But we can’t, that’s not how life works…so we are left with leaning on our faith, clawing like hell to make progress up this mountain, and pushing each other forward with a fierceness we have never felt in our hearts. Most of the time it still feels surreal that this is “us”. Somehow this became our heartbreaking, frustrating, inspiring, beautiful, resilient path in life. Some days I hate it and some days I love it – but that changes nothing, our path remains the same. That’s where faith comes into play.
On the day of the accident, Nels was immediately able to turn it all over to God – he immediately gave Nash to God when he heard what happened. As for myself…I was not so quick to do that, unfortunately. I wanted to give Nash to God completely, but only as long as His plan for Nash was the same as mine, and that day it kind of appeared that we possibly had different plans. As a mom, I couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t bear the thought of His plan is different than mine. So, I began bargaining with God rather than just giving Nash to him. I know that never works but it’s what I did, and I did it for days on end! “God! Please just let Nash live, I beg you to let him live and if you do, I will not ask for more!” Nash lived but was in a pain I pray to never see again, the kind of pain that tears your soul apart…so, again, I bargained, “Please take his pain away and I won’t ask for more! If he is not in pain, I will be content” And his pain left, but it wasn’t enough so there I was again, “Please just let him walk! If you will heal his legs to the point of walking, I won’t ask for another thing!” Do you see the pattern here? I couldn’t stop. All the while, Nels and I were talking about “giving it to God” and I played along but I remember thinking, “Are you crazy??? What if God’s plan is to call him home?? I am just supposed to be ok with that??” I never actually told Nels that and I wanted to believe I was giving it to God, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t even close to doing that!
It wasn’t until we were at Madonna and I was visiting with Nash that I was finally able to see the whole picture. He was talking to me about his days at Wesley and he said could feel God around him like a warm blanket, protecting him and keeping him safe. At one point at Madonna, he was able to actually see God. God was there the entire time. Nash never felt alone during those horrible days because God was there with him. It wasn’t because I bargained or begged, He was there regardless. And in those moments where I wasn’t able to give Nash to Him, He still took him and loved him and protected him! He never left!
I have no doubt that there will still be upcoming moments in my life where I may struggle to give it all to God. I am headstrong and stubborn and like to fix things on my own, even things that are far beyond my abilities, but I do know that I finally understand what it means to truly lay it at His feet. I still catch myself attempting to bargain and arguing with Him about how things are going but I believe He expects that – after all, He made me perfectly in His image. But at the end of the day, I know that He is at the helm guiding and protecting. Maybe you are facing something that you just can’t quite lay at His feet? Maybe you are still bargaining with Him? If so, know that I am praying for you and understand where you are, as does God. But trust me when I tell you to just give it to Him – regardless of your plans, His plans are better, and He already has it all under control! Just believe!